The Nutcracker Trek
by Panamint
Summary: Since I've already ruined Xmas for the other genres I like to destroy, I decided to mutilate this one as well WARNING IF YOU ARE SCARED BY VISIONS OF KIRK IN A TUTU, THEN DON'T READ! :


**_The Nutcracker Trek_**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything, including "The Nutcracker". Oh, what have I done to these people?! I'M SORRY TCHAIKOVSKY!! I SWEAR I REALLY LIKE YOUR MUSIC!!!!!! There is a lesson to be learned here—_Star Trek, _thoughts of Christmas vacation and a lunatic don't mix!!!**

* * *

On Christmas Eve, the crew of the _Enterprise_ was bored. And I mean REALLY bored. And when I say bored, I mean… well, you get the picture.

So it was Christmas Eve and they were bored. Uhura, being the music lover that she was, turned on some Christmas music. The Overture from "The Nutcracker Suite" began to play.

That gave McCoy an idea. _McCoy_, OF ALL PEOPLE!!

"We can put on a Christmas play!" he suggested.

The others all stared at him with excruciatingly blank expressions on their faces. Except for Uhura. She was quick to jump on the bandwagon.

"I remember when I was a little girl…"

"Ve don't vant an ancient history lesson!" Chekov protested.

Sulu snickered at his friend's outburst and added, "If you want ancient history, ask Scotty to tell you something about when he was actually living in Scotland!"

They both got evil glares from Uhura and Scott before the former continued:

"Every Christmas my mother would take me to see 'The Nutcracker Suite'. But ever since I signed up with Starfleet, I haven't been able to do that," Uhura sighed.

"I think that's a good idea," agreed Kirk. The crew was just about to keel over from shock at the Captain's unusual display of conformity and non-disjointed talking when he added, "On… one… condition."

"Figured that was too easy," Uhura mumbled.

Ignoring her, Kirk continued, "I have to have the biggest part."

"That, I believe," said Spock. "Would be Clara."

The entire crew—except Spock, of course—chuckled at their Captain's blunder.

Kirk's face screwed up in irritation. "Alright! I'll be the Nutcracker then!"

"Deal!"

ST:TOS

Spock and Sulu were in charge of synthesizing costumes. Chapel was to assign roles. Chekov and Uhura were in charge of the scenery. McCoy and Scotty were to print up the scripts. And Kirk was in charge of sitting around, drinking synthesized hot chocolate, watching everybody work their tails off.

"Okay, people! Move it, move it, move it!"

"Is my costume ready yet… eh, put more sequins! I wanna make sure everyone can see me!"

"That Nutcracker head has to be much bigger so we can cover up the ugly face of the person who is going to play it!"

Uhura stared at him. "But Captain… YOU are going to play the Nutcracker."

"WHAT! I don't want that horrible mask to cover my handsome and manly face! I want to play someone whose face is always showing; make Chekov or Sulu play the Nutcracker!"

"Hey!" both ensign and helmsman protested.

"Well," Uhura said thoughtfully. "I think I have another really important role for you…"

ST:TOS

It was the big day. A whole bunch of random red-shirts, yellow-shirts and blue-shirts had assembled to watch _Enterprise Productions _perform "The Nutcracker Suite". Although the credits read 'Written by Captain Kirk', 'Produced by Captain Kirk', 'Directed by Captain Kirk' and 'Starring Captain Kirk', just about everyone knew that Kirk had really been sitting around doing nothing all day. And the only reason he was starring in the play was because he threatened to dock everyone's pay if he wasn't.

The curtains parted. There was pretty Uhura dressed as Clara, Chekov as Clara's younger brother (since he was pretty much the only one on the bridge who was younger than Uhura, and besides that, Uhura thought him annoying at times anyhow) and everyone else was temporarily dressed as random party guests.

Well, except McCoy. He played the grandfather (he had lost in a 'heads I win, tails you lose' match against Scotty) and was doing a rather lousy job at dancing.

"He aged more gracefully than this," a random red-shirt snickered. Unfortunately for him, McCoy heard this rude comment and when he got close enough to the front row, he hissed, "One more remark like that from you and I'll make sure that you get accepted to sickbay PERMANENTLY!!"

That was the last word a red-shirt ever said throughout the ballet.

Next, Scotty and Sulu came on, although no one could see their faces: they were playing the three-headed rat king that attacked Clara and her Nutcracker (played by Chapel, actually). Chapel, however, was not a very good choice for the Nutcracker, seeing as how the head kept slipping on her slim shoulders.

Inside the rat costume, Scotty and Sulu were having their own problems. Observe:

"Mr. Scott… you are standing on my foot. Kindly get off it NOW."

"Well, excuse me fer livin' and breathin' helmsman!"

"That is no excuse for crushing my toes!"

"As soon as you get your arm from around me neck, I'll quit crushin' yer toes."

"My arm is NOT around your neck!!!!"

"That's what you think!"

"Why I oughtta…"

And a small catfight began inside the rat suit, causing the audience to giggle slightly.

_Backstage…_

"When I said I wanted an important role, I didn't mean THIS!!" Kirk was screaming—right in Spock's ear, I might add.

"Then you should have been more specific, Captain," Spock suggested as he straightened his rather frantic Captain's costume.

"Spock! Surely you can't approve of this!!!" Kirk cried. "It's illogical for me to wear this!"

"Your behavior is far more illogical than either this play or your costume… I believe that was your cue, Captain."

"No! I won't go out there! I won't—"

Even with all his Vulcan-ness, Spock couldn't take it any more. So he accidentally-on-purpose gave Kirk a shove onto the stage. At the sight of their 'beloved' Captain in the Sugar Plum Fairy outfit, the entire audience went berserk. Even the red-shirts were no longer in fear of getting pulverized because McCoy was too busy laughing to do anything. Heck, even Spock was trying not to laugh!!

"You're ruining the ballet! Please stop!" Uhura was saying, but she soon realized it was hopeless and mumbled, "Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" and began howling with the rest of the crew (A/N And the author!! Ha ha…)

During all this, Kirk's face had slowly been turning pink, and now it was just about the same shade of his tutu. (A/N Oy, did I just write that?!)

Finally, the crew had laughed it out—for the moment—and could get on with the ballet.

Everything ran as smoothly as can be expected when the Captain is the Sugar Plum Fairy and the nurse is the Nutcracker until the scene where Clara is watching all the different candies do their dances. There was a slight delay there.

_Backstage…_

"What do you mean he's got a broken foot?!" hissed Kirk as he wiggled his way out of his costume. He was so desperate to dispose of the tutu that he didn't notice that several of the crewwomen had snuck up behind them and were peeking fervently at their half-nude commander (he was only wearing a pair of underwear at the time). Kirk didn't even notice McCoy's frantic signals to put the -CENSORED- costume back on.

Meanwhile, the Captain continued to rant: "Sulu can't have a broken foot! He's on next as the Chineseflea or pea or teaor whatever it is!!"

"I'm not sure what Sulu was playing, actually," McCoy replied. He had long since given up on getting Kirk to replace the costume. "All I know is that his foot is definitely broken and that he won't be able to participate for the rest of the ballet… if you can call it a ballet…"

"How did it happen?" Kirk demanded.

"Well, judging by the way that Sulu and Scotty were screaming at each other in sickbay just now, I would guess that we—YOU–shouldn't have crammed them both into the rat costume."

"But who will we get to replace him??" Kirk continued as he pulled up his pants. He didn't notice the giggles and squeals from the crewwomen as he did so. "Those dancing flower-type things are almost done with their number!!"

"I can do it, sir."

They both turned around.

"_You_, Mr. Chekov?!" Kirk asked. "But you're on directly after! How will we fit in the costume change?"

"You forget, sir—ballet vas inwented by us Russians! I can do it!"

"I like your attitude, but…"

"We don't have time for that, Jim!" McCoy interrupted. "We'll correct the boy on his history later. Right now, let's get him in that costume!"

_Onstage…_

"Where ARE they?!" Uhura whispered to Chapel.

"I don't know," the nurse whispered back. "But they'd better get here in about three seconds flat because the waltzing flowers have just finished their scene!"

The audience clapped as the flowers left the stage.

There was silence.

There was a bit more silence.

There was even MORE silence.

"Where is Sulu?!" Uhura mumbled.

"I don't—"

Suddenly, the slow, lilting music of the Chinese Dance began, and Chekov pirouetted onto the stage.

It was all anyone could do to keep from laughing (A/N That includes the slightly-warped author.)

When Chekov got close enough, Uhura whispered, "What are _you _doing here?! Where's Sulu??"

"Broken foot," was all Chekov said before dancing out of earshot.

"But Chekov's up next," Chapel muttered in confusion. Suddenly, she and 'Clara' spotted the half-nude Captain offstage and began giggling. No-one in the audience understood why but joined in anyway. After all, they WERE superior officers!!

Nearly a minute later, Chinese Dance was over and the lively music of the Russian Dance began. Chekov was about three seconds late because he needed to change from the oriental costume to the peppermint tights (A/N Now there's a funny thought!!!), but other than that, everything ran smoothly.

Well, sort of. In reality, Chekov was still a bit dizzy from his last number and the whirlwind costume change backstage. However, if you consider being able to avoid banging into the Christmas tree 'smooth', then he did quite well for himself.

Except when he fell off the stage and into the orchestra pit, that is. The whole audience cracked up, except for a couple who happened to like the navigator and were worried for his safety.

Come to think of it, that was about half the audience, plus Uhura, who didn't love Chekov but thought he was a nice guy, despite the fact that he was quite secretive about… well… everything.

As soon as he was offstage, Chekov fell to the ground in a heap, totally exhausted. McCoy picked him up and carried him to sickbay for some much-needed rest, but not before the overworked Ensign could say:

"See? I told you ve Russians inwented the ballet!"

"Yeah, sure…" Kirk muttered absently. He was looking for his shirt. Where could it have gone?

There came a giggling sound from behind him. He could just barely make out the conversation—

"I got his shirt!" a hyper female voice was giggling.

"Give me a shred!" demanded another female.

"And me too!" a third commanded.

"No way! Go steal your own shirt!" the first said.

Kirk, being very flattered by the conversation, decided to let the girls keep his shirt. He could go to his quarters and get a new one. And besides, that would give him the chance to show off his bare chest to any female officers who happened to be passing in the hall.

Little did he know that his shirt had actually been eaten by Clara's dog and that the stolen shirt was Spock's.

_Onstage…_

"Poor Chekov," Uhura mused aloud as she watched some more dancing. She had witnessed the young Russian's collapse upon leaving the stage.

"He'll get over it," Chapel replied. "I think it's just overheating that got to him."

"Yeah…"

_In Sickbay…_

McCoy placed his latest patient on the bed next to Sulu's, then left to watch the rest of the ballet.

Sulu, upon glimpsing the still-panting Chekov, began chuckling to himself.

"Vhat?!" Chekov managed to say.

"You look _ridiculous_," Sulu snorted. "Who was in charge of synthesizing THAT costume, anyway?"

"You vere."

It was Chekov's turn to giggle.

Once they were both finished laughing, they waited for the author to stop snickering. After she was through, Chekov asked, "Vhat happened to your foot?"

"I don't want to talk about it," grumped Sulu.

"Vell, it's your fault I'm here, so you must," Chekov reasoned. Sulu rolled his eyes.

"If you MUST know, Scotty stepped on it and—"

"_I DIDNA DO ANY SUCH THING!!"_

Scotty stood in the doorway to Sickbay, looking very angry at being blamed for something he didn't think he did.

"Yes, you did! How else could it have happened? We were in a _rat costume_, for crying out loud!"

"Didna!"

"Did too!"

"Didna!"

"Did too…!"

"Good night," Chekov mumbled as he buried himself under the covers.

_Onstage…_

"Good, this dang play is almost over," Chapel muttered. She was not enjoying the ballet at all.

"I think this is fun!" Uhura protested in a whisper.

"Yeah, because YOU get to sit in the THRONE!"

"So? Get in the spirit, Chapel!"

"Okay!"

Chapel gripped the back of the throne and tilted it forward just enough so that Uhura fell face-forward with a little shriek that made the audience snicker.

"Why you…!" yelled the enraged communications officer. Getting up, she grabbed an ornament from the tree and threw it at Chapel. Pretty soon, there was a full-blown brawl between ALL the women on the ship. The men, meanwhile, were betting on certain officers or running in fear or deliberately staying out of the way so they wouldn't be accused of hitting a female.

Kirk, who had been returning with a new shirt slung over his shoulder, caught sight of what was going on in his ballet. Hastily slipping his shirt on (so it could get ripped), he commanded the brawlers to stop.

"NO!" they all screamed, then proceeded to drag the 'beloved' Captain under with them. With a most unmanly shriek, he disappeared below the surface…

_One week later…_

"Captain."

"What, Spock?"

"I believe there is something in the corridor just outside Sickbay that you may wish to see."

Kirk and Spock hurried to Sickbay. None of them noticed the snickering Scotty as they headed out.

A crowd had gathered outside Sickbay, which was making McCoy crabbier than usual.

"Get outta the way! I have patients to treat!" he was yelling. However, a random blue-shirt inadvertently shoved the angry physician out of the way. McCoy stumbled into Kirk and they both toppled over.

"What is going ON here, Bones?" Kirk demanded.

"How should I know?! I just came down to work this morning and found all these lazy -CENSORED- -CENSORED- in front of my -CENSORED- Sickbay and I asked them to get the -CENSORED- -CENSORED- outta here but they are -CENSORED- set on staying in this -CENSORED- spot!" the doctor ranted.

"I know how to fix this," Kirk said. In a much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, louder voice, he bellowed:

"**_QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

All the random blue-shirts, red-shirts and yellow-shirts froze and turned to face their Captain.

"Now what is going on here?!" he demanded.

That was when they spotted THE BOOTH.

Yes, THE BOOTH.

Apparently as revenge on Sulu, Scotty had set up a BOOTH that read, "Scotty's Disks of "The Nutcracker Ballet"" and underneath, in smaller letters, it said "be sure to watch for the part when Sulu's foot breaks! Only 1 credit each!"

Behind THE BOOTH were two now very-nervous-looking red-shirts. One of them chuckled uneasily and mumbled, "Um… would you like a copy, sir?"

_**The End**_

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And a very happy holiday season to you, too! XD


End file.
